Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
