just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
