So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
