everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
