If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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