Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
thus making me awesome and them whores
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
