I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
