My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I touched a dick in church today
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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