Someone shit on the floor
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
he had hair everywhere except his balls
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
