Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
