Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize