??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
