Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just blew my weed a kiss
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
