The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
