listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
