It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
