Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
