Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
