genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Come on in and take your pants off
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