Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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