Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
