I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my being single is dangerous.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
