Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
