Pants 0. Shit 1.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
