I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
