Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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