I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
