did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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