Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize