I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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