I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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