i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just invented taco cereal.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
