i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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