I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
