dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
where are you?
Hypothermia
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
