Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
