Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
