that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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