Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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