Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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