remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
