we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
