I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
