Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize