i just had sex bonerless
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
