I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize