My Higher Power is John Stamos
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
