Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize