At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
