After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Be still, my beating vagina.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
