he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
