I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
