i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
