...so i touched it.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
