you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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