Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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