Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
