Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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