I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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