I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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