you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
